I once read an article for a developmental psychology class that offered a great “Aha!” moment about the stormy relationships between parents and teenaged children. Basically it said that the defiant, disagreeable and sometimes out-and-out mean behavior that 13-and-over kids direct toward their parents is more than just hormones. It also has an important biological purpose of creating the right state of mind for human parents to get ready to have their offspring “leave the nest.”
The article even included a phrase that I uttered countless times during my only child’s teenaged years. “I can’t wait for her to be an adult and move out!”
Yet, on the day that she did move into her own apartment - which was less than two miles away - I actually cried. We were both shocked because I was never a doting mom. And although I had a job that I loved, many fun hobbies, a wonderful relationship with my husband, and many very close friends, I still felt an emptiness inside which the daily interactions with my daughter had once filled.
Right now many parents are dealing with the many “firsts” after their youngest chicks have “left the nest” and moved to a distant college, job or their own home. Meanwhile, your home atmosphere feels “wrong”. Too quiet. You’re actually missing the endless phone calls reporting that teenaged plans have changed yet again. You may be feeling lost, drained of energy, unusually sad, and weepy. This is Empty Nest Syndrome. A type of depression that can be debilitating, ENS affects mothers three times more often than fathers.
In the Fall, when most high school grads have left for college, Columbus Day weekend offers Empty Nesters the first chance for a short homecoming. They look forward to this visit with high hopes for a meaningful reunion and a brief return to “normal” home life. Thus, moms and dads may imagine lots of togetherness time. Meanwhile, young adults, changed by their 30+ days of experiencing an independent life, imagine spending some time with parents, having a favorite home cooked meal and doing lots of running around to reconnect with their old friends. The weekend flies by too quickly, and soon you are sharing farewell hugs and waving goodbye as your chick heads back to their own life’s routine. Often, the home nest may feel even emptier than before the visit.
So now what? Start counting the days to Thanksgiving?
Okay. But during that countdown, why not spend at least one hour of each of those days rediscovering yourself. With less time and energy spent on active parenting, you have more of it for you. IF you are open to the possibilities, this is a great time to make a new life plan for your future, and strangely, it begins by looking back. Way back.
The article even included a phrase that I uttered countless times during my only child’s teenaged years. “I can’t wait for her to be an adult and move out!”
Yet, on the day that she did move into her own apartment - which was less than two miles away - I actually cried. We were both shocked because I was never a doting mom. And although I had a job that I loved, many fun hobbies, a wonderful relationship with my husband, and many very close friends, I still felt an emptiness inside which the daily interactions with my daughter had once filled.
Right now many parents are dealing with the many “firsts” after their youngest chicks have “left the nest” and moved to a distant college, job or their own home. Meanwhile, your home atmosphere feels “wrong”. Too quiet. You’re actually missing the endless phone calls reporting that teenaged plans have changed yet again. You may be feeling lost, drained of energy, unusually sad, and weepy. This is Empty Nest Syndrome. A type of depression that can be debilitating, ENS affects mothers three times more often than fathers.
In the Fall, when most high school grads have left for college, Columbus Day weekend offers Empty Nesters the first chance for a short homecoming. They look forward to this visit with high hopes for a meaningful reunion and a brief return to “normal” home life. Thus, moms and dads may imagine lots of togetherness time. Meanwhile, young adults, changed by their 30+ days of experiencing an independent life, imagine spending some time with parents, having a favorite home cooked meal and doing lots of running around to reconnect with their old friends. The weekend flies by too quickly, and soon you are sharing farewell hugs and waving goodbye as your chick heads back to their own life’s routine. Often, the home nest may feel even emptier than before the visit.
So now what? Start counting the days to Thanksgiving?
Okay. But during that countdown, why not spend at least one hour of each of those days rediscovering yourself. With less time and energy spent on active parenting, you have more of it for you. IF you are open to the possibilities, this is a great time to make a new life plan for your future, and strangely, it begins by looking back. Way back.
Try to remember before you were “Mom” or "Dad". What were your hopes and dreams? Although the Mom part of you looms large now, younger selves still live within you. The little girl who wanted to be a veterinarian. The teenager who imagined being an artist. The twenty-something who dreamed of traveling. The thirty-something who toyed with the idea of going back to school.
Now it’s your time to open to all of those possibilities. Use the space of the Empty Nest as a place for you to expand and reinvent yourself, a place where you can hatch your own dreams.
Maybe you are thinking, “Oh yeah. Just reinvent myself. That’s easy for her to say!”
No. It’s not necessarily easy, but the process can be amazingly fulfilling.
You may be thinking, “How can I start reinventing myself? How can I go back to school? I already have my kid’s college tuition to pay for, and ....”
Slow down. College may be in your future, but no one is asking you to rush back to school and take on more than you are ready for. The goal is to begin to explore the many possibilities for expanding your circle of life experiences and personal connections. Maybe you can take just one fun non-credit evening class that will provide a new hobby and new friends to share your interests. Or you might do volunteer work for an organization that supports a cause you feel passionate about.
You could even reach out to other moms of your collegiate's high school classmates and make plans to meet for coffee once a week or take a walk, or just to have someone to call who understands how you are feeling. There is also a wonderful online resource for empty nest moms (and dads too), offering support, community, and creative ideas. Check it out at ...
If your feelings are overwhelming you, and doing any of the above just seems like too much to take on, a life coach or therapist can provide one-on-one attention. S/he can help you work through your emotions and find a new focus/goal for you to move toward.
The point is to refill your void and shift your viewpoint from what is missing to what you have and what can be. Your phone will be ringing again ... but now it will be for you to make new plans or to change old ones.
It’s your time to get moving. It starts with just one step today.
Peace, Love & Light to you.
Jae
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