I was feeling wonderful. Still riding the spiritual/emotional high from my daughter's and my trip to San Francisco where we attended the Women's Dream Quest. I was happy, focused and inspired, as I walked into my home office. I was excited about getting back to work on a number of projects that I had begun before the trip.
There were the plans for our own smaller version of the Dream Quest. Plus ideas for a video blog to be posted on OneSelf's website and Facebook page. Now I wanted to bring the joyful energy of my San Francisco experience to my work. So, I began to do some brainstorming via journaling on the vision I held for our Women's Dreamtime Gathering. I wrote a couple of free flowing paragraphs and drew a few images that emerged during my writings. From this, I had everything I needed in order to create a newsprint ad to promote the Gathering.
Then, I shifted to left brain thinking as I made a To Do List for the rest of my week. That's when I looked up at my wall calendar and realized that I hadn't changed the page from October to November. As I took down the calendar, I reread the inspirational saying for the month of October. It is a quote from Emerson. "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
I had been reading that quote everyday throughout October. But now, because of my experience at the Dream Quest … which got me deep into what lies within me … that quote brought another big smile to my face. Once again I felt thankful for having been able to share that wonderful retreat experience with my daughter.
Then I turned the calendar page to November. This month’s quote was from the Persian philosopher, Rumi. It read, "Be with those who help your Being."
I smiled even wider as I put the calendar back up on the wall. How perfect, I thought. My daughter helps my Being.
Sitting back down at my desk, I continued to look up at the quote. Then, I asked myself softly, "Who else helps your Being?"
I immediately started naming off the closest, important people in my life. My husband and my daughter, my grandchildren, and a few other family members.
But then, my next thought was that often there is an awful lot of Doing that goes along with being with family. Doing the dishes, doing the laundry, doing the grocery shopping, making food, picking up, cleaning, running errands. Helping them do something. Running an errand for them. Doing, doing. Which then leads to doing a list of things that you need to be doing.
"Okay, I'm tired now," I sighed. "That doesn’t feel like Being.”
Then playing Life Coach to myself, I asked, "So, who helps your Being? Your just Being. Your NOT doing. Your only Being?"
Now that was a different question.
When I want to just Be; when I want to slow down and not focus on anything that has to be done, or should be done, or could be done right now. Who do I reach out to?
Immediately, a whole different list of names came to mind.
"Connie," I said softly, "my Sagittarian soul sister for spiritual adventures." I laughed.
"Artistic Leslie and her kaleidoscope vision," I said, as I recalled us doing art together or attending art shows.
"Homebody Ren. A lifetime friend, she helps me to write from my Heart."
"Gentle Diana. Earthy calmness. Like a gentle, cleansing summer rain that refreshes you."
"Lauren. Youthful, yet wise beyond her years. Helps me see things from a different viewpoint."
"Celia. Insightful, with a dash of comic relief."
Six wise women had come to mind. Six women who helped my Being. In that moment, just thinking about each of those wonderful, precious friends, I felt totally relaxed. Totally present. Totally BEING.
And suddenly, it was as if I had been transported back to the amazingly gentle, spiritual atmosphere of the Women's Dream Quest. For isn't that what any retreat is about? Retreating is about our just Being. Even when we are doing something at a retreat … we are still just Being. Why? Because we are present to the moment, present to how our doing reflects our Truth. Our True Self. Our True Being.
And so now I invite you to ask yourself. Who helps your Being? When you need to stop doing, who do you call? Who helps to feed your spirit? Who offers you a safe haven - a place with no personal dramas - to BE your True Self?
Who helps you to look at life from a different perspective, to cleanse your spirit and to find an earthy calmness? Who helps you to laugh, to reawaken the child within you?
Now that you have made your list, go and make a date to Be with those who help your Being, and to renew.
Peace, Love & Light to you,
Jae
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
"It's Been a Long Time, Lady!"
That’s what I said to myself when I realized that the last time I posted here, America’s famous groundhog weatherman, Punxsutawney Phil, was predicting that there would be six more weeks until Spring arrived ..... in 2009!
Yes, 2009. Really.
Soooooooo? What have I been up to during the last 18 months? Where have I been hiding? And why did I stop blogging?
Let me answer the last question first. At least I’ll tell you the answer that I kept telling myself. “I stopped blogging because I ran out of words.”
But, of course, that’s not completely true. (We often lie to ourselves.)
I certainly did NOT run out of words. My family, friends and clients will confirm that I am rarely at a loss for words. But what I did run out of was the creative energy necessary to translate thoughts and casual conversation into intelligible written prose. I felt creatively drained.
It was as if the writer part of me was on a work slowdown. Not a strike ... because there were times, when it was absolutely necessary, that I could still pull off writing a few paragraphs. But each sentence that made up those paragraphs was a struggle. I couldn’t even write in my personal journal. For years ~ dating back to the late 70s ~ I had written in my journal almost everyday. But in mid-April of this year, when I picked up my current journal to write about the death of my best friend’s father, I realized that I hadn’t written a thing in that journal since November 5, 2008, when I recorded the historic election of our first African American President!
That discovery shook me. Not only was I having trouble writing creatively; I was having trouble expressing my own private thoughts. And that’s when I resorted to having a handwritten conversation with my Writer Self. This is an old transpersonal psychology trick. You use your dominant hand to write for your Outward Self and your other hand to allow the part of you causing “inner issues” to express her/himself.
I’m right handed, so I used that hand to write, “Hey, Writer Jae, what’s going on here? Why aren’t our words flowing?”
And with my left hand ... in almost illegible penmanship ... Writer Jae replied “I’m tired. You have us doing so much business-oriented writing and have put us under so much stress to keep up with commitments, that there is no creative energy left for writing our book or even for writing in our own journal.”
I argued, “But everything we are doing is fun and creative. We love to write. We love to design workshops and retreats. We love to sit in a circle of women and share ideas. We love to collaborate with others.”
Writer Jae replied, “We do. But there is a difference in writing just for the fun of it, for ourselves, and writing for a defined purpose like promoting workshops and retreats, and designing ads and flyers. Writing has become work ... like it was when you wrote bill memos and articles about political issues back in the 90s.”
I was shocked! It was a pretty dismal thought that my joyful work as a Life Coach and workshop facilitator had anything in common with the ... shall we say ... “public perception driven” words I wrote at the New York State Legislature and lobbyist organizations.
So I lashed out at my creative self. “WRITING IS WRITING!” I argued defensively in big shouting letters. But there was no true depth of feeling under those words. It felt more like desperation ... like I was trying to hang on to a gift that seemed to be slipping away.
And Writer Jae replied. “Joyful writing flows from the Heart. Our Heart is tired because we are constantly listening to our Head. That’s what our present writing has in common with our old politically-driven writing. Our words no longer flow like a clear creative stream. We are constantly hitting the debris of your practical concerns, getting caught in the shallows of your physical challenges. We keep fighting to find a small current of pure creativity to ride. Meanwhile there is a wide river of deep creative energy waiting for you to open the flood gate in that emotional dam you installed about five years ago.”
Okay! Now I was really pissed at Writer Jae. My “physical challenges” which had started to manifest in the form of a “rash of unknown origin” on my upper arms and lower legs had been going on since late 2004. Side-effects related to that turned up about a year later. Both of those physical issues have been almost completely healed for awhile now. The practical concerns our family faced for three years are no longer an issue. And the emotional negativity? Well ... with the physical and practical taken care of, there’s no more reason for me to be having “emotional issues” ....
At which point Life Coach Jae’s voice chimed in. She didn’t have a designated hand to write with, but she made her point anyway. You know ~ you’ve heard it ~ that little inner voice of conscience that often shows up when we are lying to ourselves?
So, that part of me that sits across from clients in my Life Coaching office, now spoke to me as if I were her client. “What have you done to address the ‘emotional stuff’ you stuffed while you were in crisis mode for so many years? You had to stuff it then in order to be able to continue to cope with the crisis. But we know that the emotional stuff hasn’t just evaporated.”
Then Writer Jae chimed in, writing, “If we want our creative writing voice back, we need to let those dammed up feelings flow again.”
With a BIG SIGH and tears starting to well up in my eyes, I knew what I had to do. I got on the phone to dial up my own Life Coach, a transpersonal counselor who I had worked with face-to-face for three years while I lived in California, and via phone for two when we moved back to Upstate New York. After explaining to Michaela what was going on ... or NOT going on ... we immediately set up our first appointment. Plus, she gave me an assignment in preparation for that first session.
“If you can’t write the feelings,” she said, “bypass your writing/intellectual center and let the feelings flow out through your art.”
Michaela knew that in the past I had a practice of creating mandalas to express myself. I was amazed that I hadn’t thought of this myself, which really drove home how “dammed up” I really was.
So I gathered my art supplies and created a quiet, sacred space with candles and soft music. And in just a few hours, this mandala “poured out of me.”
Yes, 2009. Really.
Soooooooo? What have I been up to during the last 18 months? Where have I been hiding? And why did I stop blogging?
Let me answer the last question first. At least I’ll tell you the answer that I kept telling myself. “I stopped blogging because I ran out of words.”
But, of course, that’s not completely true. (We often lie to ourselves.)
I certainly did NOT run out of words. My family, friends and clients will confirm that I am rarely at a loss for words. But what I did run out of was the creative energy necessary to translate thoughts and casual conversation into intelligible written prose. I felt creatively drained.
It was as if the writer part of me was on a work slowdown. Not a strike ... because there were times, when it was absolutely necessary, that I could still pull off writing a few paragraphs. But each sentence that made up those paragraphs was a struggle. I couldn’t even write in my personal journal. For years ~ dating back to the late 70s ~ I had written in my journal almost everyday. But in mid-April of this year, when I picked up my current journal to write about the death of my best friend’s father, I realized that I hadn’t written a thing in that journal since November 5, 2008, when I recorded the historic election of our first African American President!
That discovery shook me. Not only was I having trouble writing creatively; I was having trouble expressing my own private thoughts. And that’s when I resorted to having a handwritten conversation with my Writer Self. This is an old transpersonal psychology trick. You use your dominant hand to write for your Outward Self and your other hand to allow the part of you causing “inner issues” to express her/himself.
I’m right handed, so I used that hand to write, “Hey, Writer Jae, what’s going on here? Why aren’t our words flowing?”
And with my left hand ... in almost illegible penmanship ... Writer Jae replied “I’m tired. You have us doing so much business-oriented writing and have put us under so much stress to keep up with commitments, that there is no creative energy left for writing our book or even for writing in our own journal.”
I argued, “But everything we are doing is fun and creative. We love to write. We love to design workshops and retreats. We love to sit in a circle of women and share ideas. We love to collaborate with others.”
Writer Jae replied, “We do. But there is a difference in writing just for the fun of it, for ourselves, and writing for a defined purpose like promoting workshops and retreats, and designing ads and flyers. Writing has become work ... like it was when you wrote bill memos and articles about political issues back in the 90s.”
I was shocked! It was a pretty dismal thought that my joyful work as a Life Coach and workshop facilitator had anything in common with the ... shall we say ... “public perception driven” words I wrote at the New York State Legislature and lobbyist organizations.
So I lashed out at my creative self. “WRITING IS WRITING!” I argued defensively in big shouting letters. But there was no true depth of feeling under those words. It felt more like desperation ... like I was trying to hang on to a gift that seemed to be slipping away.
And Writer Jae replied. “Joyful writing flows from the Heart. Our Heart is tired because we are constantly listening to our Head. That’s what our present writing has in common with our old politically-driven writing. Our words no longer flow like a clear creative stream. We are constantly hitting the debris of your practical concerns, getting caught in the shallows of your physical challenges. We keep fighting to find a small current of pure creativity to ride. Meanwhile there is a wide river of deep creative energy waiting for you to open the flood gate in that emotional dam you installed about five years ago.”
Okay! Now I was really pissed at Writer Jae. My “physical challenges” which had started to manifest in the form of a “rash of unknown origin” on my upper arms and lower legs had been going on since late 2004. Side-effects related to that turned up about a year later. Both of those physical issues have been almost completely healed for awhile now. The practical concerns our family faced for three years are no longer an issue. And the emotional negativity? Well ... with the physical and practical taken care of, there’s no more reason for me to be having “emotional issues” ....
At which point Life Coach Jae’s voice chimed in. She didn’t have a designated hand to write with, but she made her point anyway. You know ~ you’ve heard it ~ that little inner voice of conscience that often shows up when we are lying to ourselves?
So, that part of me that sits across from clients in my Life Coaching office, now spoke to me as if I were her client. “What have you done to address the ‘emotional stuff’ you stuffed while you were in crisis mode for so many years? You had to stuff it then in order to be able to continue to cope with the crisis. But we know that the emotional stuff hasn’t just evaporated.”
Then Writer Jae chimed in, writing, “If we want our creative writing voice back, we need to let those dammed up feelings flow again.”
With a BIG SIGH and tears starting to well up in my eyes, I knew what I had to do. I got on the phone to dial up my own Life Coach, a transpersonal counselor who I had worked with face-to-face for three years while I lived in California, and via phone for two when we moved back to Upstate New York. After explaining to Michaela what was going on ... or NOT going on ... we immediately set up our first appointment. Plus, she gave me an assignment in preparation for that first session.
“If you can’t write the feelings,” she said, “bypass your writing/intellectual center and let the feelings flow out through your art.”
Michaela knew that in the past I had a practice of creating mandalas to express myself. I was amazed that I hadn’t thought of this myself, which really drove home how “dammed up” I really was.
So I gathered my art supplies and created a quiet, sacred space with candles and soft music. And in just a few hours, this mandala “poured out of me.”
"Surviving Heart" expresses what had been going on inside for those six long years of managing difficult financial crises, facing medical problems, family turmoils, broken friendships and countless other emotional uphill battles. I was totally amazed by the heaviness that came out of me. And I was shocked that I felt compelled to create the mandala on black paper. But only black paper could dull those vibrant oil pastel colors enough to express the feelings of despair that for so long seemed to lurk behind every positive idea I had.
Once the despair was expressed, depicted on paper; when the sorrow finally had a form of its own, separate from myself; only then could I feel truly hopeful. I could feel words trying to come through, needing to be put to paper. I started to journal and journal and journal and journal, providing myself the opportunity to truly feel again. Only after I had written down everything I needed to express to me ... only then could I even begin to flirt with the idea of once again writing down feelings and ideas to express to others ... to you.
So here I am. I don’t know how often I can be here and write to you. Heeding Writer Jae’s advice, I certainly do not want to commit to any set schedule. But I am fairly certain that you’ll be hearing from me in less than 18 months. And I certainly hope that I will be hearing from all of you very soon.
Peace, Light & Love to you.
Jae
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