From Missing Them to Rediscovering You: Refilling the Emptiness of the Empty Nest

    I once read an article for a developmental psychology class that offered a great “Aha!” moment about the stormy relationships between parents and teenaged children. Basically it said that the defiant, disagreeable and sometimes out-and-out mean behavior that 13-and-over kids direct toward their parents is more than just hormones. It also has an important biological purpose of creating the right state of mind for human parents to get ready to have their offspring “leave the nest.”

    The article even included a phrase that I uttered countless times during my only child’s teenaged years. “I can’t wait for her to be an adult and move out!”

    Yet, on the day that she did move into her own apartment - which was less than two miles away - I actually cried. We were both shocked because I was never a doting mom. And although I had a job that I loved, many fun hobbies, a wonderful relationship with my husband, and many very close friends, I still felt an emptiness inside which the daily interactions with my daughter had once filled.

    Right now many parents are dealing with the many “firsts” after their youngest chicks have “left the nest” and moved to a distant college, job or their own home. Meanwhile, your home atmosphere feels “wrong”. Too quiet. You’re actually missing the endless phone calls reporting that teenaged plans have changed yet again. You may be feeling lost, drained of energy, unusually sad, and weepy. This is Empty Nest Syndrome. A type of depression that can be debilitating, ENS affects mothers three times more often than fathers.

    In the Fall, when most high school grads have left for college, Columbus Day weekend offers Empty Nesters the first chance for a short homecoming. They look forward to this visit with high hopes for a meaningful reunion and a brief return to “normal” home life. Thus, moms and dads may imagine lots of togetherness time. Meanwhile, young adults, changed by their 30+ days of experiencing an independent life, imagine spending some time with parents, having a favorite home cooked meal and doing lots of running around to reconnect with their old friends. The weekend flies by too quickly, and soon you are sharing farewell hugs and waving goodbye as your chick heads back to their own life’s routine. Often, the home nest may feel even emptier than before the visit.

    So now what? Start counting the days to Thanksgiving?

    Okay. But during that countdown, why not spend at least one hour of each of those days rediscovering yourself. With less time and energy spent on active parenting, you have more of it for you. IF you are open to the possibilities, this is a great time to make a new life plan for your future, and strangely, it begins by looking back. Way back.

    Try to remember before you were “Mom” or "Dad". What were your hopes and dreams?  Although the Mom part of you looms large now, younger selves still live within you. The little girl who wanted to be a veterinarian. The teenager who imagined being an artist. The twenty-something who dreamed of traveling. The thirty-something who toyed with the idea of going back to school.

    Now it’s your time to open to all of those possibilities. Use the space of the Empty Nest as a place for you to expand and reinvent yourself, a place where you can hatch your own dreams.

    Maybe you are thinking, “Oh yeah. Just reinvent myself. That’s easy for her to say!”

    No. It’s not necessarily easy, but the process can be amazingly fulfilling.

    You may be thinking, “How can I start reinventing myself? How can I go back to school? I already have my kid’s college tuition to pay for, and ....”

    Slow down. College may be in your future, but no one is asking you to rush back to school and take on more than you are ready for. The goal is to begin to explore the many possibilities for expanding your circle of life experiences and personal connections. Maybe you can take just one fun non-credit evening class that will provide a new hobby and new friends to share your interests. Or you might do volunteer work for an organization that supports a cause you feel passionate about.

    You could even reach out to other moms of your collegiate's high school classmates and make plans to meet for coffee once a week or take a walk, or just to have someone to call who understands how you are feeling. There is also a wonderful online resource for empty nest moms (and dads too), offering support, community, and creative ideas. Check it out at ...

emptynestmoms.com

     If your feelings are overwhelming you, and doing any of the above just seems like too much to take on, a life coach or therapist can provide one-on-one attention. S/he can help you work through your emotions and find a new focus/goal for you to move toward.

     The point is to refill your void and shift your viewpoint from what is missing to what you have and what can be. Your phone will be ringing again ... but now it will be for you to make new plans or to change old ones.

    It’s your time to get moving. It starts with just one step today.

Peace, Love & Light to you.

Jae

   

   

Helping Your Being

I was feeling wonderful. Still riding the spiritual/emotional high from my daughter's and my trip to San Francisco where we attended the Women's Dream Quest. I was happy, focused and inspired, as I walked into my home office. I was excited about getting back to work on a number of projects that I had begun before the trip.

There were the plans for our own smaller version of the Dream Quest. Plus ideas for a video blog to be posted on OneSelf's website and Facebook page. Now I wanted to bring the joyful energy of my San Francisco experience to my work. So, I began to do some brainstorming via journaling on the vision I held for our Women's Dreamtime Gathering. I wrote a couple of free flowing paragraphs and drew a few images that emerged during my writings. From this, I had everything I needed in order to create a newsprint ad to promote the Gathering.

Then, I shifted to left brain thinking as I made a To Do List for the rest of my week. That's when I looked up at my wall calendar and realized that I hadn't changed the page from October to November. As I took down the calendar, I reread the inspirational saying for the month of October. It is a quote from Emerson. "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

I had been reading that quote everyday throughout October. But now, because of my experience at the Dream Quest … which got me deep into what lies within me … that quote brought another big smile to my face. Once again I felt thankful for having been able to share that wonderful retreat experience with my daughter.

Then I turned the calendar page to November. This month’s quote was from the Persian philosopher, Rumi. It read, "Be with those who help your Being."
I smiled even wider as I put the calendar back up on the wall. How perfect, I thought. My daughter helps my Being.

Sitting back down at my desk, I continued to look up at the quote. Then, I asked myself softly, "Who else helps your Being?"

I immediately started naming off the closest, important people in my life. My husband and my daughter, my grandchildren, and a few other family members.

But then, my next thought was that often there is an awful lot of Doing that goes along with being with family. Doing the dishes, doing the laundry, doing the grocery shopping, making food, picking up, cleaning, running errands. Helping them do something. Running an errand for them. Doing, doing. Which then leads to doing a list of things that you need to be doing.

"Okay, I'm tired now," I sighed. "That doesn’t feel like Being.”

Then playing Life Coach to myself, I asked, "So, who helps your Being? Your just Being. Your NOT doing. Your only Being?"

Now that was a different question.

When I want to just Be; when I want to slow down and not focus on anything that has to be done, or should be done, or could be done right now. Who do I reach out to?

Immediately, a whole different list of names came to mind.

"Connie," I said softly, "my Sagittarian soul sister for spiritual adventures." I laughed.

"Artistic Leslie and her kaleidoscope vision," I said, as I recalled us doing art together or attending art shows.

"Homebody Ren. A lifetime friend, she helps me to write from my Heart."

"Gentle Diana. Earthy calmness. Like a gentle, cleansing summer rain that refreshes you."

"Lauren. Youthful, yet wise beyond her years. Helps me see things from a different viewpoint."

"Celia. Insightful, with a dash of comic relief."

Six wise women had come to mind. Six women who helped my Being. In that moment, just thinking about each of those wonderful, precious friends, I felt totally relaxed. Totally present. Totally BEING.

And suddenly, it was as if I had been transported back to the amazingly gentle, spiritual atmosphere of the Women's Dream Quest. For isn't that what any retreat is about? Retreating is about our just Being. Even when we are doing something at a retreat … we are still just Being. Why? Because we are present to the moment, present to how our doing reflects our Truth. Our True Self. Our True Being.

And so now I invite you to ask yourself. Who helps your Being? When you need to stop doing, who do you call? Who helps to feed your spirit? Who offers you a safe haven - a place with no personal dramas - to BE your True Self?

Who helps you to look at life from a different perspective, to cleanse your spirit and to find an earthy calmness? Who helps you to laugh, to reawaken the child within you?

Now that you have made your list, go and make a date to Be with those who help your Being, and to renew.

Peace, Love & Light to you,
Jae

"It's Been a Long Time, Lady!"

That’s what I said to myself when I realized that the last time I posted here, America’s famous groundhog weatherman, Punxsutawney Phil, was predicting that there would be six more weeks until Spring arrived ..... in 2009!

Yes, 2009. Really.

Soooooooo? What have I been up to during the last 18 months? Where have I been hiding? And why did I stop blogging?

Let me answer the last question first. At least I’ll tell you the answer that I kept telling myself. “I stopped blogging because I ran out of words.”

But, of course, that’s not completely true. (We often lie to ourselves.)

I certainly did NOT run out of words. My family, friends and clients will confirm that I am rarely at a loss for words. But what I did run out of was the creative energy necessary to translate thoughts and casual conversation into intelligible written prose. I felt creatively drained.

It was as if the writer part of me was on a work slowdown. Not a strike ... because there were times, when it was absolutely necessary, that I could still pull off writing a few paragraphs. But each sentence that made up those paragraphs was a struggle. I couldn’t even write in my personal journal. For years ~ dating back to the late 70s ~ I had written in my journal almost everyday. But in mid-April of this year, when I picked up my current journal to write about the death of my best friend’s father, I realized that I hadn’t written a thing in that journal since November 5, 2008, when I recorded the historic election of our first African American President!

That discovery shook me. Not only was I having trouble writing creatively; I was having trouble expressing my own private thoughts. And that’s when I resorted to having a handwritten conversation with my Writer Self. This is an old transpersonal psychology trick. You use your dominant hand to write for your Outward Self and your other hand to allow the part of you causing “inner issues” to express her/himself.

I’m right handed, so I used that hand to write, “Hey, Writer Jae, what’s going on here? Why aren’t our words flowing?”

And with my left hand ... in almost illegible penmanship ... Writer Jae replied “I’m tired. You have us doing so much business-oriented writing and have put us under so much stress to keep up with commitments, that there is no creative energy left for writing our book or even for writing in our own journal.”

I argued, “But everything we are doing is fun and creative. We love to write. We love to design workshops and retreats. We love to sit in a circle of women and share ideas. We love to collaborate with others.”

Writer Jae replied, “We do. But there is a difference in writing just for the fun of it, for ourselves, and writing for a defined purpose like promoting workshops and retreats, and designing ads and flyers. Writing has become work ... like it was when you wrote bill memos and articles about political issues back in the 90s.”

I was shocked! It was a pretty dismal thought that my joyful work as a Life Coach and workshop facilitator had anything in common with the ... shall we say ... “public perception driven” words I wrote at the New York State Legislature and lobbyist organizations.

So I lashed out at my creative self. “WRITING IS WRITING!” I argued defensively in big shouting letters. But there was no true depth of feeling under those words. It felt more like desperation ... like I was trying to hang on to a gift that seemed to be slipping away.

And Writer Jae replied. “Joyful writing flows from the Heart. Our Heart is tired because we are constantly listening to our Head. That’s what our present writing has in common with our old politically-driven writing. Our words no longer flow like a clear creative stream. We are constantly hitting the debris of your practical concerns, getting caught in the shallows of your physical challenges. We keep fighting to find a small current of pure creativity to ride. Meanwhile there is a wide river of deep creative energy waiting for you to open the flood gate in that emotional dam you installed about five years ago.”

Okay! Now I was really pissed at Writer Jae. My “physical challenges” which had started to manifest in the form of a “rash of unknown origin” on my upper arms and lower legs had been going on since late 2004. Side-effects related to that turned up about a year later. Both of those physical issues have been almost completely healed for awhile now. The practical concerns our family faced for three years are no longer an issue. And the emotional negativity? Well ... with the physical and practical taken care of, there’s no more reason for me to be having “emotional issues” ....

At which point Life Coach Jae’s voice chimed in. She didn’t have a designated hand to write with, but she made her point anyway. You know ~ you’ve heard it ~ that little inner voice of conscience that often shows up when we are lying to ourselves?

So, that part of me that sits across from clients in my Life Coaching office, now spoke to me as if I were her client. “What have you done to address the ‘emotional stuff’ you stuffed while you were in crisis mode for so many years? You had to stuff it then in order to be able to continue to cope with the crisis. But we know that the emotional stuff hasn’t just evaporated.”

Then Writer Jae chimed in, writing, “If we want our creative writing voice back, we need to let those dammed up feelings flow again.”

With a BIG SIGH and tears starting to well up in my eyes, I knew what I had to do. I got on the phone to dial up my own Life Coach, a transpersonal counselor who I had worked with face-to-face for three years while I lived in California, and via phone for two when we moved back to Upstate New York. After explaining to Michaela what was going on ... or NOT going on ... we immediately set up our first appointment. Plus, she gave me an assignment in preparation for that first session.

“If you can’t write the feelings,” she said, “bypass your writing/intellectual center and let the feelings flow out through your art.”

Michaela knew that in the past I had a practice of creating mandalas to express myself. I was amazed that I hadn’t thought of this myself, which really drove home how “dammed up” I really was.

So I gathered my art supplies and created a quiet, sacred space with candles and soft music. And in just a few hours, this mandala “poured out of me.”

"Surviving Heart" expresses what had been going on inside for those six long years of managing difficult financial crises, facing medical problems, family turmoils, broken friendships and countless other emotional uphill battles. I was totally amazed by the heaviness that came out of me. And I was shocked that I felt compelled to create the mandala on black paper. But only black paper could dull those vibrant oil pastel colors enough to express the feelings of despair that for so long seemed to lurk behind every positive idea I had.

Once the despair was expressed, depicted on paper; when the sorrow finally had a form of its own, separate from myself; only then could I feel truly hopeful. I could feel words trying to come through, needing to be put to paper. I started to journal and journal and journal and journal, providing myself the opportunity to truly feel again. Only after I had written down everything I needed to express to me ... only then could I even begin to flirt with the idea of once again writing down feelings and ideas to express to others ... to you.

So here I am. I don’t know how often I can be here and write to you. Heeding Writer Jae’s advice, I certainly do not want to commit to any set schedule. But I am fairly certain that you’ll be hearing from me in less than 18 months. And I certainly hope that I will be hearing from all of you very soon.

Peace, Light & Love to you.
Jae

Right to the Heart of What Matters

Welcome to February. It may be our shortest month of the year, but it offers Americans more official holidays, and culturally special days, than any other of our months.

Just two days into short February, we focus our attention on this furry little fellow, the animal world’s weatherman, Punxsutawney Phil.


And, due to the bright glow cast by dozens of news camera lights simultaneously focused upon him, Phil always sees his shadow, offering us six more weeks of Winter.

There are also two president’s birthdays, now merged into one holiday known as President’s Day. But some of us remember when we celebrated each separately. Abe Lincoln’s on the 12th and George Washington’s on the 22nd? It was a school kid’s delight having two four-day weeks in one short month.

And of course, on the 14th, we have the romance day of the year ~ Valentine’s Day ~ when we give (and hopefully receive) cards, candy and flowers, professing heartfelt feelings and desires for loved ones.

Now before you start thinking too much about whether or not February really does have more holidays and special days than any other month, I would like you to stay focused on those heart-shaped candies in the picture above. No, not because they are sugary little treats that take us back to our childhoods. But rather, because they are indeed hearts. And it is our Hearts that I would like to talk about today.

In my work as a Holistic Life Coach, I invite people to “Create a Brighter Future, Honoring the Heart of Who You Are”. At our women’s retreats, I encourage our participants to quietly connect with their Center ~ their Heart ~ to “hear” what they Truly Need, to learn the truth of what is really important to them.

But today, I am asking you to not only Honor the Heart of Who you Are, but also to Honor, to Connect with, and to really Pay Attention to How you Care for your actual Heart. You know, that miraculous, beating organ within each of us that makes it possible for us to physically exist here on Mother Earth.

This week, Sunday, February 1 through Saturday, February 7, is Women’s Heart Week. Sponsored by the Women’s Heart Foundation, since 1995, the first week of February has been dedicated to raising public awareness and educating women about Heart Disease, the number one killer of American women.

Surprised? I was too.

Like many women, I thought Heart Disease was primarily a man’s disease, and that our biggest health threat came from cancer. But, as I learned on the website of The National Coalition for Women with Heart Disease, “Since 1984, more women than men have died of heart disease each year.”

On the Mayo Clinic’s Women’s Health page, I found out that Heart Disease is responsible for more women’s death than all forms of cancer combined. I was shocked. For years, women's health focus has been on breast cancer and uterine cancer. How is it that I did not know that heart disease is just as much of a concern. In fact, even more.

According to the Women’s Heart Foundation website (womensheart.org),

“Heart disease is America’s leading killer of women over the age of 34. Most women are not aware of this fact and fail to recognize their own risk factors for heart disease. Women's symptoms, especially those that are milder, often go ignored. Women often miss out on critical opportunities to save their own lives.... Women are busier than ever as they juggle career, family and care-giving responsibilities. For many, each day resembles a jig-saw puzzle in which a women is required to piece together her time and obligations. Now, more than ever, women need to take time out for themselves and be given a reminder: Take Care of Your Heart.”

Take care of your heart; take care of yourself! This simple statement is so difficult for our feminine spirit to really take to heart. I can remember my mother, who never held a job outside our home, but out-worked my father every day. Her workday began at 5:30 ~ before anyone else was awake; and it ended well past my bedtime of 9:30. I would hear her downstairs getting things ready for the morning while my father sat watching TV and/or reading the newspaper.

Now add to those household responsibilities the full-time job that most women hold today, plus helping our kids with homework and getting them to extra-curricular activities. Or maybe, you're part of the "sandwich generation" ~ age 40 to 60 ~ trying to take care of your own household while helping out your elderly parents, by running errrands and helping with maintaining their home. Add on the other end of that generational chain a couple of your own grandchildren to help out with, and where do you have any free time ~ any down time ~ to call your own. By the way, there's actually a Sandwich Generation month ... July 1-31 ... with an official website authored by the Sandwich Generation Resource Group. It offers resources for family members and caregivers of older adults and those living with disabilities. Find the link under my "Women's Heart Health Links".

Are you wondering at this point if my purpose here is to make you feel even more overwhelmed than you already feel? As I just re-read that last paragraph, I felt overwhelmed. And overwhelm can often lead us to feeling depressed, which makes us just want to lie down. Or feeling depressed can also often lead us to the kitchen, searching for some of those yummy comfort foods, which are often high in cholesterol. My favorite used to be a bag of the latest exciting flavor of Doritos.

But actually, it's all of the above ~ the overdoing, feeling overwhelmed, overeating and under-exercising, that are just some of the major reasons that Women now claim Coronary Heart Disease, which causes heart attack, as the leading cause of death for American Women. (See the American Heart Association link for more heart disease risk factors.)

So what can we do to change this statistic? First and foremost, we can't let the fear factor allow us to turn away from these realities, to ignore the facts and think it won't happen to me.

As we did with combating breast cancer and STDs, we must start to educate ourselves, our partners, our friends and family. We need to dispel the myths about heart disease being a man's disease. We need to understand how the symptoms for a heart attack for women are different than for men. We just need to know more and spread the word. And that's what this week ~ the first week of February ~ is all about.

Now, I know I have thrown a lot of information at you today. But I also know that the feminine spirit has the capacity to meet any challenge, once we understand what that challenge is. Now that you have more information and more resources to gain a better understanding of our challenge, I have one more thing I would like you to do. This one is pretty easy.

I would like you to "Go Red".

"Go Red" is a movement to bring awareness to Women's Heart Disease by wearing the color red on February 6th. That's this Friday. For more detailed information about this colorful women's movement, visit the Go Red for Women website, also listed on the sidebar under the Women's Heart Health Links.

All of this information boils down to one bottom line ... to the Heart of What Matters. We need to shift our thinking.

Maybe February's most memorable date shouldn't be Valentine's Day on the 14th. Indeed, if we are busy recovering from a heart attack, the last thing we need is a box of chocolates. Maybe the color red and the heart symbol that we now associate with Valentine's Day should also connect us to this week of caring for our own physical hearts and the hearts of all of those women who we care about. That way, we all can be here to receive those Valentine's cards and flowers.

Why, even Punxsutawney Phil is getting on board with the movement.

Peace & Light to You
Jae

Is It Spring Yet? Recovering from Seasonal Memory Loss

How extra special of Mother Nature to send us a Winter that reminds us Upstate New Yorkers of what an old fashioned Winter was really like. She has given us snow storms, followed by ice storms, followed by a special January soup of snow, sleet, and freezing rain. And we've had those single-digit and below-zero days that make us all feel like we are walking icicles.

I have tried to roll with Ma Nature's winter punches and stay open to seeing the beauty in her work. Like on December 12th. I gazed out my front window at the trees, dazzling in their icy jewels. And even though the thought of getting all bundled up to go outside was unappealing, I just had to do it.

Grabbing my camera and stepping outside, I became a part of this perfect winter postcard. Just look at those sparkling trees!


Have you ever noticed how unbelievably quiet it is after a winter's storm? Of course, that quiet was broken the moment I stepped off my porch and the ice covered grass crunched under my feet. But, I had to get a closer shot of those iced pines ...



And these ice-encased branches ...


Okay. I confess that as the ice and snow storms keep coming, requiring me to scrape and dig my way into my car at least twice a week, I have become less enthralled with Mother Nature's frozen artwork. In fact, after our most recent storm, as I sat behind my steering wheel ~ car started, defroster and heater pumping out barely lukewarm air ~ all I wanted was to ...

have Spring arrive NOW!

I wanted to be walking around our little Lake Hampton; to be once again watching the geese landing on a misty morning, seeing our little muskrat swimming near the shore, and simply taking in the beauty of the trees and flowers.

Remember when we did that?
Sure you do ... kind of ....

So, when my car was finally warmed up and I was pulling out of my driveway, I decided that I just had to take that five-minute detour to remind myself that there was still a little Lake Hampton.

And this is what she is looking like as she waits for us to return for our warm-weather morning walks.


Parking by the shore, there was the green park bench I sat on when I shot this same view last Autumn. On this post-storm morning, I couldn't get to the bench because of the snowbank. But in the distance, there was our giant willow, looking a lot smaller without its leaves. Steam escaped my mouth as I breathed out a sigh of "I'm ready for Spring now." And then I got back into my car and drove off to start my work day.

Later, when I returned home, and downloaded that shot into my computer, I was still doing a lot of sighing and yearning for Spring. So, I decided to pull out a few more colorful memories of Lake Hampton. Just looking at those pictures helped to boost my spirits and to renew my faith in Mother Nature's wisdom. I was reminded of when I was absolutely sure that the very hot, humid days of Summer would never end. Remember feeling that?

So, I want to share some of these warmer season memories with you. May they help to remind you that like our circular walk around Lake Hampton, Mother Nature's process is also a circle. And soon, we will be trading in our winter boots for some lighter, less serious footwear . . .


We'll no longer have to huddle inside our heavy coats and bury our faces into the warmth of thick scarves. We will be joyously anticipating our first view of Spring crocus pushing their way up through Winter's brown debris to reunite with the sun's warming light.



We will be smiling broadly as we celebrate the arrival of Spring goslings ...



and happening upon a kitty pausing during her morning outing.


In no time at all we will be rounding the corner from Winter's frosty days to Spring's warming thaws and Summer's flower-blossoming heat. We will once again sit at a picnic table, looking out upon this peaceful view of our little Lake Hampton. And we will be smiling with the joy of being part of a Healing Circle gift from Mother Nature.

Peace and Warming Light to You,

Jae

It doesn't have to be perfect. Really? Yes, really!

Here are some examples of statements I heard on a regular basis as a child. Maybe some of them sound familiar to you.

Dad:
“That picture needs to be moved. It is way off center.”
Reality check:
The picture was a sixteenth of an inch off center on an eight-feet wide wall.

Mom:
“This living room is a complete mess.”
Reality check:
Sitting on the floor beside the couch was one pile of old magazines waiting to be looked through before being thrown out. And there was sheet music sitting open on the piano, which I had just finished playing before I went to the bathroom.

Dad:
“Better to be half-an-hour early than five minutes late.”
Reality check:
Unless when you arrive early, it’s very cold outside and you have to wait for someone to arrive to open the door for play rehearsal.

And here’s the big one:

Mom and Dad:
“If you are not going to do a job right, don’t do it at all.”
(As a teenager, I often tried to get out of doing chores by proclaiming, ‘I won’t do it right anyway, so I might as well not do it.’)
Reality Check:
I still had to dust and vacuum the living room, and dry and put away those dishes.

So, why am I telling you all of this?

Because lately, this perfectionist behavior that was fostered with loving care during my formative years, and proudly practiced with excellent results throughout my adult administrative career, has really started to cause me problems.

“How,” you might ask.

And I would reply, “Look at the last posting date on this blog.” Never mind. You don’t really have to look. I’ll tell you. It was September 22, 2008 that I last wrote to you. The post was called “Heart Connections in Autumn Light.”

We are now “Freezing Our Butts Off in Winter’s Dimness,” and I’m finally managing to sit my butt down and write to you. So before I continue . . .

a belated
Happy Halloween
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy December Holidays
and
Happy New Year
to all of you!

Now, back to how perfectionism has caused my blogging derailment.

Bottom line: If I can’t do it right ~ and by that I mean as perfectly as possible ~ I have a hard time making myself do it.

And what factor determines whether or not I will be able to do something as perfectly as possible? Time. Perfection takes time. And if you live on a tight schedule with a long To Do List ... well, it comes down to an easy equation:

Less Time = Less than Perfection

(and according to inherited parental truths)

Less than Perfection = Don’t Even Start

Therefore, when my To Do List was topping out at over 30 items around mid-October, the “Write Blog Post” item on the list kept getting shifted to the bottom.

But why? I love to write. Writing has been one of my greatest joys since I was a child. I wrote my first play at age 10. My favorite jobs have included writing as an integral part of my work responsibilities. So why put off blogging, which is actually doing something I love to do? Because I need to do it as perfectly as possible, and that takes time.

Well, so does cleaning the bathroom, lady, but you managed to do that.

Now there’s a good example. In fact, just last week, I started out to do a quick spruce up of the bathroom to just freshen it up. But once I got going, my Perfectionist Self got out of control. It was as if my glasses had magically become magnifying lenses ... forcing me to see every little speck of anything on every little surface. And, of course, once I saw all of those specks ... well .... Three hours later, my 7 x 5 foot bathroom was absolutely spotless.

About fifteen minutes later, I was sitting back in my comfortable chair, having a calming cup of tea. As I sat trying to recover from my spontaneous cleaning frenzy, the moment of “Are You Insane?” hit me. I had just spent three precious hours of my time sponging, scrubbing, rinsing and polishing my little bathroom, and no one but my husband and me would even see it. And he wouldn’t care.

And as I continued to marvel at the level of perfectionist compulsive behavior that cleaning jaunt exposed, I began to see a wider of view of the effects of this gift/curse. If I could allow myself three hours away from my “To Do” list to do the unappealing task of cleaning a bathroom that no one “outsider” would even see, why couldn’t I find time to write my Blog? Again, writing is something I love to do. But . . . lots of people would see it . . . . . . . .

Is that the key? Who would see my work? Well, of course it is.

I couldn’t allow myself a spontaneous writing frenzy ... just let it flow and let it go ... because I couldn’t risk the possibility that it would not be as perfect as possible. I have read that some bloggers just log on and write off the top of their heads, not worrying about typos or missed words. But not me. I could never allow myself that freedom. I had to write it, and then reread it, and rewrite it again.

With the Perfectionist Me keeping watch and making sure that every one of those 30 items on my To Do List were completed with an A+ approach, it was no wonder that I was feeling like one of the great joys of my life ~ writing and blogging ~ had become just another one of those To Do’s.

So friends, today I have taken a slightly different approach to writing this post. Instead of the write, and re-write, and re-read and re-write again process I have taken in the past, I decided to just write. Honoring that changing ourselves 180 degrees in one spontaneous moment of Ah Ha is difficult, I am sure it will be difficult to just click publish as I complete this. But I’m going to try it. And, I’ll bet, that even if I’ve left out a word, or misspelled something, you will all be able to figure out what I was trying to say.

My hope is that my “bold new approach” will help to inspire those of you who also have a Perfectionist Self whispering negative messages into your Inner Critic’s ear ... telling you that you should beware of taking approaches and trying new things. I hope that you ~ like I am about to do right now ~ will allow yourself to at least turn down the volume of those negative messages. In doing so, we can reclaim the joys of “just doing” things that we love to do.

Peace & Light,

and here it goes

Jae

Are you a perfectionist? Check out "Jae's Links" and
take a quick quiz to find your level of perfectionism.

Heart Connections in Autumn Light

Here it is. My first peek at Autumn 2008.

As I was walking around our little Lake Hampton, I looked down at just the right moment, and I saw it. This red leaf ~ colorfully lying there amidst last Winter's leftover brown debris and Summer's waning greens ~ invited me to stop for just a moment.


As I snapped the picture, focusing in on this symbol of September changes ~ this organic reminder of life's never-ending transformation ~ it was as if Mother Nature had gently tapped me on the shoulder to share a moment of nostalgic reflection.

Like a parent simultaneously celebrating and yet dreading her child's leaving for school, Mother Nature was inspiring me to capture a few of her Summer's fading memories as we prepare to welcome Autumn's return.

I invite you to take a moment
to enjoy these memories with me.

Glorious Purple Sisters

Summer's Yellow and Orange hues holding on.

Aging Beauty

Goldenrod's blossoms announce Autumns' Arrival,
bringing tears to many eyes.

Geese Friends thinking of Southern Shores?

As I watched our geese friends looking out over their Spring and Summer home, I imagined that they were contemplating their impending Southbound flight. In watching them, I fell into my own moment of contemplation about the changing season. It was a moment of connecting my Heartbeat to the Universal Heartbeat.

Twice a year ~ at the Spring Equinox in late March and the Autumn Equinox in late September ~ we experience equal hours of daylight and darkness. These are Mother Nature's gifts to us. Yin-Yang moments; balancing points of equal dark and light.

In the Spring that tipping point past the balance moves us out of the contemplative Darkness of Winter into Spring's time of planting the seeds of new ideas for us to grow. Our heartbeat quickens with the expanding hours of light, and we feel the urge to spring into motion with the rest of Nature.

Here, at the Fall Equinox, Mother Nature invites us to pause and look back at what we have grown and harvested from those Spring seeds. What wisdom have we nurtured during the full light of Summer? What new ideas blossomed into hardy personal Understandings?

As we once again prepare to move into the contemplative darkness of Winter, we begin to consider what aspects of our harvest will not only sustain us, but empower us. With the outer light growing dim, we need sparks from within to enlighten us, to provide us visions and dreams of new life vistas. The light that shines from within us deepens our Heart Connection to the Universal Heartbeat, just as gathering around a Winter Hearth deepens our connections to friends and family with whom we share that warm experience.

So now, I invite you to take a moment to pause.

Maybe you were busy and missed
the official beginning of Autumn
on Monday, September 22 at 11:44 am.

In case you could not take time to stop
to honor that brief moment
that balance point
between equal light and dark.

If you were unable to pause and be aware
of the tipping point that moved us closer to
Our Heart Connection
with the
Mother Nature's Universal Heartbeat ...

I invite you to take a moment now.

Focus in on the picture below
of our little Lake Hampton
as she appeared at the moment
of Autumn's arrival.

Peer into the water as it reflects
the Light and the Dark
of the Equinox.

And feel Your Heartbeat
connect to the sacred rhythm
of
Mother Nature.

Peace & Light,
Jae

"Gotcha" Body Dialogue

It has been over a month since my last Healing Circles post. And, since then, I have truly missed connecting with you.

I wish I could say that my absence has been due to a wonderful farewell-to-Summer vacation with my husband, or another unexpected getaway day with my daughter or one of my friends. Instead, during my blogging absence over the last few weeks, I have been engaged in an ongoing dialogue with my own body, which has been quite adamantly reminding me that I have not been taking good care of my physical existence.

As anyone close to me will tell you, other than when I am taking my daily walk or doing hands-on de-cluttering projects, my natural inclination is to live in my head. That's where my intellectual and intuitive/visionary centers of the brow chakra is located. It's my true comfort zone. Add to this ~ as with most women ~ a tendency to "just keep going" regardless, and there you have a recipe for the body to do a "gotcha".

My big "gotcha" actually happened a few years ago. After a very long period of high stress, which triggered off a wide array of symptoms, I was diagnosed with Chronic Epstein Barr Virus. Very similar in nature to the effects of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, this "condition" is equally as challenging to learn how to manage and to live with. If you would like more information about Chronic Epstein Barr Virus (CEBV), check out the website listed under Jae's Links.

Since my Epstein Barr diagnosis, I have gotten much better at paying attention to my body's physical-symptom reminders, like

"Brain no think. Hungry. Eat now!"

or

"Excuse me. Headache!
Staring at a glowing computer screen not a good idea.
Take a break!"

Still, focusing on the physical does not come naturally to me. So sometimes, after ignoring its messages for too long, my body has to take drastic measures. And in a last ditch effort, it sends out a combination of stronger symptom-messages that absolutely force me to

"Just Stop!!!"

Which is what I had to do a few weeks ago, as I finished posting my last De-Cluttering Connection blog. Since then, I have been consciously slowing down and relaxing. I've had two doctor's visits and a couple of tests. I'm making a point to eat healthier and taking some prescribed supplements.

In addition, to complement this traditional approach, I also have been having some great Body Dialogues so I can better understand the symptom-messages my body has been sending me.

So, what is a "Body Dialogue"?

A Body Dialogue is sort of a conversation with your body that takes place in a gentle meditative state. As with any meditation, our attention is turned away from the outside world, away from our everyday To Do List, away from our analytical, intellectual processes. And, just like our Life Journey Meditation from last time, we allow ourselves to form a conscious, inner connection with a particular inner aspect ~ or physical part ~ of ourselves. Once connecting inwardly, we open to receive the wisdom held there.

I am sharing this practice with you today in case you may be interested in trying this gentle approach to self-care. You may be having a particular physical challenge of your own, or you may want to just add this practice to your regular self-care routine.

Getting into the habit of "conversing" with our Bodies now will serve us well as we look toward Autumn's arrival on September 22nd. Our body's connection to Mother Nature's clock is already anticipating the North East's colder weather that will reward us with beautiful views of Autumn leaves. With stores already displaying Halloween costumes, we know frostier weather will be challenging us to stay healthy. And, the busy Holiday Season that follows will create an even more hectic pace to our lives. Hey, I've already received a catalog featuring Holly Leaf Tablecloths and Snowflake Decorations.

At this point you may be thinking, "Jae, why are you trying to depress us? Just because you haven't been feeling well, do you have bring all of us down?"

Believe me, I am not trying to depress you. Instead, I'm hoping to provide you another holistic tool to help you avoid illness so you won't have to feel yucky or depressed. So here we go . . .

For a Body-Focused Meditative Dialogue
I find it is best to lie down.

Usually, our head/brain gets "top billing", feeling very important as it "rules from on high" over every other part of our body. In this situation, however, we want to honor that every part of us is equally important. Lying down puts all of our physical parts on a more level "communication field".

Since being physically-focused tends to be a challenge for me, I make a special effort to create a calm, nurturing atmosphere for Body Dialogues. For me, that means candles, soft instrumental music, a glass of water to my right, and my personal journal within reach. Plus, I hang a "Do Not Disturb" sign outside the door of the room so I won't be interrupted and to make me feel secure. I change into very loose, comfortable clothes. But not what I usually sleep in. I do not want to cue myself to go to sleep. I want to be comfortable enough to fully relax, but also alert enough to consciously receive the insights that my body has to share with me.

Once the atmosphere is set, there is nothing left to do but lie down and get comfortable. For me, this means lying on my back. For others, it may mean lying on their side. The most important thing is to find a position in which none of your body parts feel stressed or stretched. Oncee I am in my safe space and comfortable body position, I begin to gently encourage myself to move into a state of relaxation.

Note:

If you are not used to doing self-relaxation and/or meditation, you may want to have a trusted friend or family member slowly read the relaxation script found at the end of this posting, just below the picture of the rainbow candles.

I usually begin my meditation by whispering to myself, "Relax now." This is my cue that my meditation has begun, giving my mind and body permission to "let down," disengage from the outside world and be still. After so many years of this practice, I am also able to use these two simple words to relax myself in any stressful situation.

The full relaxation process usually takes about 10 to 15 minutes. Once I feel completely relaxed, I begin my Body Dialogue.

During my most recent Dialogue, I silently asked my body to send me a physical sensation to let me know where it most needed attention. I immediately felt a dull headache starting to form at the center of my forehead. This is a symptom I had been experiencing on and off for several weeks. I had been explaining it away as once again having "Forgot to eat!" But on this evening, I had been very attentive to making sure that I ate something to nurture myself before beginning my meditation process. So, I knew that this headache was my body's own way of communicating something of importance to me.

With that in mind, I consciously breathed into the headache, asking my body, "What is it that you are trying to tell me through sending me this headache? I am listening." Then continuing to breathe naturally, I just laid there quietly, waiting for the response.

Within moments, I "heard" the reply. Or maybe it is better described as I had a "knowing" that the words coming to mind were my body's message. Either way, the "explanation" my body gave me for sending the headache, came with the thought,

"A headache is the only thing
that makes your mind stop going."

This made total sense because I live in my head so much. I spend probably 85 percent of my time taking in information, creating and processing ideas, and then translating those ideas into concepts to communicate to others. And the only thing that will stop me is a bad headache. If it hurts to think, I'm done.

Receiving this message, and knowing its truth, I thanked my body for sharing its wisdom. And then, I apologized to my body for having ignored its messages.

But my body had more to tell me.

No sooner had I acknowledged the headache, than it began to fade away. Seconds later, my left leg started to ache. Once again, I breathed into the ache, and asked for more guidance. The ache narrowed into a more intense soreness behind my knee and upward into the back of my lower left thigh. That area had been bothering me on and off for several days. I was eager to hear this message.

"Less sitting and thinking.
More exploring.
We need exercise to be healthy."

This I did not fully understand. But I did not allow myself to get into an analytical process about why it didn't make sense. Instead, I simply thought, "Please tell me more." In response, I received,

"You need to feel like you're going somewhere.
Exercise in one place does not work.
Hurried exercise in any setting does not either.
Distracted, we get hurt."

I still didn't get it, and I asked again, "Please tell me more." The final response made everything clear to me.

"Find continuity and balance both inside and out.
Strengthen by moving with awareness."

"Ahhh! Gotcha!" I replied inwardly.

With a clear sense that my body dialogue was over, I focused on my whole body once again. As the soreness faded from my leg, I turned my attention to the top of my head, and started the process of rejoining the physical world.

Simply focusing on each area of my body from my head down to my toes, I invited all parts of myself to awaken, feeling physically whole, fully awake, and aware of my surroundings and my experience. Taking a few moments to become fully connected to the outside world, I sat up, slowly drank some water, and then journaled about what I had learned.

"The first and second message from my leg reminded me that over the summer, my daily walking routine had become sporadic. Since I do not do well in temperatures over 80, I started a more traditional stretching exercise routine in the air-conditioned comfort of home.

"However, since I do most of my administrative work and writing at home, I have a hard time disengaging from my work process in order to fully focus on those boring, in-one-place exercises. I like to feel like I'm going somewhere ... even it is only going around the circle of a little lake. As it got hotter and hotter outside, I was forced to stay inside more often. Gradually, I was doing less and less exercising, but a lot more work at home. There were no more relaxing morning moments of sitting by the lake and "just being". Thus the headaches?

"I did finally realize I was getting off track, so I knew that I needed to get back to walking by the lake. In order to do this, I decided I had to hurry up and get out there earlier in the morning to beat the heat. Through my hurrying outside and being distracted inside, I must have somehow strained something in my left leg. But sitting and thinking is not going to make it better.

"The last message from my body offers coaching encouragement that I would give to my own clients.

"Find continuity and balance both inside and out.
Strengthen by moving with awareness.'

"Now it's up to me to honor that I 'got it' and to translate my body's encouragement into concrete practices. With the cooler weather upon, this should be fairly easy to do. But I also need to look ahead to when the very cold weather drives inside once again. Much to ponder."

Wishing you wisdom-filled Body-Focused Dialogues
to which you can reply
"Ahha! Gotcha."

As always, your comments are joyfully received.

Peace & Light,
Jae

Suggested Relaxation Script

"Relax now.

Settling into this nurturing environment,
take a little time to just breathe softly.

Sigh into the comfort of this peaceful moment,
and allow yourself to sink into the freedom of "just being".

Next, take a few minutes to be fully aware of your body.

Starting at your feet and moving slowly upward,
begin to focus your attention to each area of your body
and invite it to relax.

feet, ankles,
shins and calves,
knees and thighs
relax.

abdomen, hips,
buttocks, and lower back
relax.

waist, solar plexus,
and back behind this area
relax.

breasts, heart area
and upper back
relax.

becoming aware of your spine,
focus on your tail bone
and follow your spine up to your neck
relaxing each vertebrae.

now focus on your left arm,
starting at your hand and wrist,
then your left forearm,
elbow, upper arm and shoulder
relax every part of your left arm.

now focus on your right arm,
starting at your hand and wrist,
then your right forearm,
elbow, upper arm, and shoulder
relax every part of your right arm.

next move your attention to your throat
and relax this are of communication.

and now move your attention to your neck,
becoming aware of the strong muscles
that support your head
invite these muscles to
relax.

now focus on your face,
your jaw and mouth,
your cheekbones,
your nose, eyes and ears
relaxing all of the senses.

bring awareness to your brow
and relax.

your forehead
and relax.

both sides of your head
relax.

the back of your head
relaxing.

and finally
the very top of your head
allowing complete relaxation.

Having acknowledged every part of
your physical being from toe to head,
allow yourself to just lie still in this relaxed state.

As you fully sink into complete relaxation,
become aware of your whole body.

From this awareness
of the entire physical entity that is you,
invite your body to speak to you
through physical sensations.
Ask it to draw your attention to the part of you
that most needs your special attention at this time.

Breathe into this part of your body that is calling to you,
and hear everything it has to tell you."

A Life Journey Meditation

Today, I invite you to take a few minutes to sit back and enjoy a very brief meditation. This inner journey offers an opportunity for us to discover ~ or rediscover ~ some feelings or ideas that may be lying beneath the "mind clutter" of our everyday thoughts and responsibilities.

So, turn off your phone and any noise-creating devices. Dim the lights, and sit back in a comfortable position. You may want to put a piece of paper and a pen in front of you, so you can write about your experience when you "return".

Now, simply read the brief induction below, and then focus on the picture. Know that this is your own personal journey, from which you can safely return to your chair at any time. After you return, scroll down to the bottom of this post for further instructions.

Let's Begin.

Imagine yourself standing at the opening of a little wooded path. Although it may look small and insignificant, it is one of the many important paths along your Life's Journey.

Feel the ground beneath your feet.
See the green leaves and the brown tree trunks.
Let your eyes follow the path,
noticing the tufts of grass, the tree roots and stones.

Now, imagine yourself walking along this path.

Feel the cool shadows and the warm sunlight,
gently filtering through the trees.

As you safely walk further into the woods,
the path curves to your left,
and you discover something that is for you alone.

It could be an old friend.
Or cherished family member.
A forgotten idea. A missed opportunity.
Or a brand new insight about yourself.

And continuing down the path,
as you are ready,
allow your eyes to gently close
and go within.

Welcome back.

Now that you have returned, you may want to take a little time to journal about your experience while it is still fresh.

Don't worry about grammar or spelling.
Just let the words flow as you
recapture your feelings and insights.

As always, we would be honored
if you wish to share.

Peace & Light to You,
Jae